the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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