Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
