Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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