before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
