i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
