she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
foreskin is a definite game changer
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
