dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
