she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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