too bad you live with your parents still
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
