normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
i think my cat just said my name.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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