I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
