I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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