Are we in a gay sports bar?
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
