He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
