I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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