If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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