Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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