first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
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