i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
