we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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