What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
