I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
