Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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