Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
