The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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