I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
