I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
My ATM looks so different sober.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
