1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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