This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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