I'm sorry my penis didn't work
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
