i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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