my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
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