The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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