For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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