That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
