you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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