I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
