I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
