But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You may now shotgun with the bride
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
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