I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
