I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
