just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I bet he comes in French.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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