I will die if light touches me.
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
