I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
So much rum. So many feels.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
