Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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