We're like a lot better than the average bears
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
We need a shit load of segways right now
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
