Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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