hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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