im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
