I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
