i think my tv is drunk
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Randomize
